HAHAHA HELL YEAH.
I actually have my own website now, that's very cool. IDK what im gonna use this for. Feeling very 2005 rn. I'll probably mainly focus on personalizing it for myself now...should I share this to others???? Or will it be an online journal??? Idk idk idk...but I guess I dont have to know right now
I like what this is becoming. Takes a lot of hard work to make a website....I guess i'm learning coding now. I'd love to add a music player but maybe that would give me away. I don't even know why i'm so worried about that. Because you're posting your thoughts where literally anybody could find them duh. Mm. That's a fair point. Well i'm also worried it'll hurt peoples feelings if they see i'm talking about them online. Well as long as you leave out any and all identitfying information and purely speak about your own feelings it should be fine. Mm. That's also a fair point. Well I guess I do just want to say how I feel anyway. So how do you feel? Mm. I do not know. Well that's a lie I just thought that'd sound cool cause I said that before. Well okay then how do you feel? Mmmmmmm........I do feel good because i'm finding new stuff to do and I have time to do stuff I couldn't before. And I feel terribly lonley as evidenced by me talking to myself on the internet. Friends are great, it's the loneliness ofa space you're so used to being filled. Like when mantis shrimp punch and it leaves a pocket of air due to the speed of the punch and then all the water pulls back into that spot so fast it causes an explosion. Is that true? I mean it's true in my head. Point is I am taking the heat from that explosion like when spiderman got his face blown open by the green goblin in spider man...one of them idk. So I'm like glad that i'm doing stuff with my time. And i'm lonely, sad, and discarded. I am the fish that was punched by the mantis shrimp, and then the mantis shrimp didn't even eat me! That metaphor is falling apart but you get it right? Sigh i'm talking to an empty void. I think that sums up how I feel.
Ugh. I just sneezed like 17 times in a row. And all I can think about is if you're sneezing too. No that's not true. Just if you're thinking about me I guess. If you miss me. I just want you to feel how I feel...but why? To validate that you cared? To not feel discarded? So I feel less hurt? I guess that would do that for me. But-ah...haha. I am reminded by reality that time will continue to march on no matter how long I continue to pine after realities that do not exist. Whatever. So tied up that I can't stare down at my own two feet. Getting thrown into the water wondering why and if something can change instead of cutting myself free and swimming. If someone admitted they wish they didn't throw me in the water, or that they're also drowning, or anything like that...I don't think that would change anything...UGH. All this because I sneezed 17 times in front of my bathroom sink! West coast behavior.
I'm healing. Physically at least. Days and days and days of rediscovering who I am on my own. And here I am still typing like their are eyes on me. I guess there very well could be though right? Right. Sigh. One day this site will become a relic that I look back on and show to whomever I choose to give my heart to at the time. I have the inclination to talk to that person. Leave messages of love from the year 2026. That's what i'd usually do. But let's do a message to me. Are you happy my love? I know that's a complex question but what did your body say? Your stomach? Does your mind wander to the elements that held and thrashed you? I think that's natural. Does it all still hurt as bad as it does now? Are your lungs still filled with water? Are your arms still charred and smoking? Please tell me. You're the me that I believe believes in me. Even if you still call to the you who exists ahead of yourself you are still a beacon of hope to the me of today? Why? Because you made it. I don't want to die. I don't. I think about it sometimes. Cause I wouldn't have to feel anything or deal with anything complicated. But I don't actually want to. Still. The concept of making it through this year. Through these next couple years at least. That hurts me. Or maybe scares me. I am dreading and overthinking when the cold begins to flirt with the overwhelming heat. I am dreading and overthinking when the sun and the moon discontinue their supposudly eternal dance. I am dreading and overthinking where the rage and hurt and anguish and pain and pain and pain within me will go. I am dreading and overthinking the person that those feelings could make me become if taken in certain directions. I can't even say wrong directions. Just certain ones. Maybe i'll be okay with that in the future. But right now? I don't WANT to be mad. I don't WANT to be bitter. I don't WANT to end up hating you...or you...or anyone. But I feel that anger and pain and rage and hurt hurt hurt so much hurt boiling me from the inside out and i'm scared it'll consume me. What if I don't care anymore? I wonder if you'll care after reading this. Maybe you'll be able to say you're so right for that. I don't even know if you're wrong. But I know that i'm scared. Of all the ways I can go. I wish I knew. But that knowledge lies with me not with you. When they built the tunnel between france and spain....no no the UK and France I think? They started on either side until they met in the middle. With an incredibly small margin of error once they actually met...maybe that's us. I build from here and you build from there. If I look forward but never forget to look back then we can all build a tunnel that leads to wherver we want. I may not know exactly where your part of the tunnel ends but I know where i'm going and I trust that you'll be there to grab my baton. So...hm. I'm sad, i'm scared genuinely, i'm unsure, and i'm happy. I'm going to keep building. i'm going to keep looking forward, here's the baton.
Grief is just love that has nowhere to go. And I feel it bouncing around my rib cage like a loosed pinball. Where do I put it? Into being mad? Into something "good"? A shrine? Art? Friends? Me? Me. Me. Yeah that's the answer. I mean they're all answers. I just need to give it somewhere to go. All it will do is burn me up inside anyway. So I listen to your plea greif. I remove your mask and see you for the love that you are. And I reach a hand down to lift you up and walk with you. Let's go see things we've never seen, do things we've never done. Let's see things we've always seen, do things we've always done. Let's go. Somewhere away from here, and somewhere that is here. We don't need to tear down the flowers that grew here. But our roots don't only have to be here either. Yeah some of those flowers had thorns, you don't want to touch them again. You can remember that they hurt you and that you enjoyed being there for a time without destroying every flower. Let's see other flowers, let's see these flowers, for what they actually are. Pretty, kind, and thorny. Flowers don't want to hurt people, but sometimes they do. Grief is just love that has nowhere to go.
I think my biggest issue (atm) is that my thoughts feel like a plauge. How do you mean? I want to stop having them over and over and over and over. It feels pathetic not to think of anything else. Pathetic? Pathetic! Like get a life holy shit. You lost something. Everyone loses things! True but you, you lost something. And that matters right? Is it wrong to have that constantly be on your mind? I mean it's not wrong but it hurts, its digging a thumb into a wound, infecting it with dirt and muddy emotion. And you think you can just...stop? Honestely, no. It keeps coming back, I have moments that can help, but it's gonna be on my mind. I just can't have it be so loud sometimes. Okay it feels like we're reaching a middle ground here. I think it is not possible to delete your brains desire to think about this. It is impossible to delete your brains desire to think about anything. Not wanting to think is the same thing as running from something. You want to feel safe enough to ignore the things that scare you, that bother you, that make you uncomfortable. That is what was happening before is it not? You will have these thoughts. Even if you would like to not have them you will have them. That is no sin. It is not indicitive of you as a person, besides showing that you care about yourself. Which is a boon, not a bane. Do not push against it. Move with it. If it is overwhelming do not throw it off. Follow the flow and find a way out to take a break. It will happen, so find out how to move with it. Lest you constantly injure yourself fighting a tide that for now is unceasing. I...I don't know if I like you. You should learn how to, for I am forever unceasing.
I had a dream last night. I had a dream where I lived in the nightmarish miasma my brain douses me in. It was...nightmarish! I don't even know what to say. Besides that you're so constantly on my mind it makes me feel insane. I wish I could just turn this off. Or at least make it consistent. I hate this so much. I wish it wasn't happening. Some days are easier than others. Days are often easier than nights. But it really is unceasing. It's hard to befriend a thought that hurts. It's hard to watch a ship go by when it's bombarding you're shoreline. Tonights one of those nights where all I have is the pain. Nothing constructive and nothing poetic to be gleaned (maybe). I can just hurt sometimes right? I just hurt tonight.
I dont know. I just have not been here. So i'm here. Thoughts still feel infinite. I am excited about things sometimes. I miss things a lot. I'm melting into a thing I think. I may recongeal into something. And that will be something. I'm something in this moment. I just have been feeling so something and nothing and everywhere. I just have been having a mind obsessed with keeping me trapped trapped trapped. UGH WHATEVER IM SO foenfnsdfkjasfjwefkjaenkfklasnfanejnwufniaergoajeriomaeroneurgnoiglkjergoimeoifnaoernv;vmelkmknvmdfomalnfoiweoifjaoimflkawefnoiWNFJAIKAMFKLNWOIJIAAJFPOMAWE;OFNKOAERNIO4JWEKFLAEMOINERIOGHNWOOINOIERIOMIONOIEJIGOIJORNGGKLERNGLERNUFOIEIERNFOKENFOEJOEGOIEMOEJGOEMOIERMGOIERJOIGOIEMGOIRNGKRNLMLK;DMGLKMGLERNGINEOTUIRTOIMHPORJHIOJTOJRTNHLKNGKLTHGOIEROGFIOGRJLLDLGJIOGJSRMHKOTNGOINOIFNBOFNGREIOGNESROIGMELKMHLKSRNGDFNIGOERJEPOIKERKPGKSROPGJOP[EG;OINOIENOIRJHOPROIMSFLKGNSRLKGNOIRNGOIRGHGKRKLGGNRTHNROKMHLKSRTPORTJJT9RJGORMGLKSRJLKSRJH9PSTJOERJMOIRMGLSMPOSRPOGJKSEOPMJPIJRTPHNSTOKLGNOJ;NI;SLEKJ YEah that was nice
Feeling inspired. Having a crush on someone is such great motivation. Imagine the pure motivation of knowing there's someone to impress, someone to give your everything for. Someone that makes you think "yeah I need to give my all, so I can become the type of person suited to be with this person. I need to make them proud, I need to show them who I really am, I need to be determined to achieve my goals, I can't give up, because my heart bursts POWERFULLY due to desire for another! I must, I can, I WILL, for YOU!" Yeah something like that is nice...anyway I don't actually have a crush. But I saw it. I saw the vigor and spirit it instilled. And then I saw that they very clearly still held that motivation whether their crush was involved or not........huh. I don't think I'm the same. When I have a crush I will put all my determination, all my energy, all I am into showing them that I care about them and that I will do anything if they are involved, like eat a good breakfast for myself, do my laundry, anything, as long as the one who has my heart says it would bring them joy, because I would do anything for them. But would I do anything for me? Quick answer: no. But that's why I felt inspired. Cause I want to be. Cause I just understood what it means when people say to "fall in love with yourself". If I fall in love with myself then i'll be able to feel that powerful sense of motivation that dwells inside me when I tell MYSELF I wanna do something??? That seems so BROKEN! I wish I actually knew how to do that then...I mean i'm honestly sure I can make a 57 step plan to get there ("1. ...i was gonna write made up silly rules and couldn't think of one so I guess I just fucking lied") but I won't waste my time with that. At least not yet. It's enough for now to know that if I can learn to fall in love with me, or maybe more accurately, have a crush on me, then I will be able to tap into the fiery passionate motivation to hold fast to the goals I set for myself and chase them to the ends of the Earth. That would be awesome...wow. "I need to do X thing for her (me) and I know I can do it because if it's for her (me) I can do ANYTHING and I WILL NOT FAIL" WOW...if I can really lean into that then I would be unstoppable...maybe if I learn what i'm like and woo myself then I can really do it. Haha this is exciting...hmhmhmhmhmmmmhmhmhmhmhmHM!
Sigh. A big breath on a silent day. I can't see my breath but I can if I close my eyes. It's quieter than I ever remember it being. Which means it's louder too. But if I stop fighting fire with fire then I can really hear the silence. It's nice. It's homey. It's...historic? Or maybe comforting is a better word. Leaning into the comforts of the past has proven to be a beautiful cushion in times like these. I feel like i'm trying. And honestly that's all I care about. I'm putting in effort and i'm seeing the beginnings of a result. And surprisingly it makes me want to keep trying. I feel like usually one result would leave me feeling successful and i'd take it as a chance to stop trying. But my girlfriend...she likes the snow, she likes the quiet, she likes that i'm trying, and if it's making her happy than I won't stop no matter what. We can take it all the way to the top.
Emergy cannot be created or destroyed. If it cannot go back to the source than it must go somewhere. The undeniable and painful urge to return to sender, but the wherewithall to know that it should not be handled that way...where do I want it to go? I need to find the place(s) to set my energy free
I need to live. I've lived through all of it before. I have to live. And I lived. They lived. We lived. And we were happy. And it all died. But it did live. Isn't that enough? I'll never not grieve, but at some point i'll be able to smile at a bittersweet memory. Even if everything changed, even if everything can still change, I would need to keep on living. For me. For the bonds i've formed. I don't need to wish for another reality when i'm already living in this one, and would be living in that one, and could be living in another. Because what's the difference? I'm living either way. So I will just live. Even when I want to die. I will live.
"If you spend your time thinking you're the rational one and they're crazy and made the wrong choice...the time you spent loving that person doesn't seem as painful to lose." just something I saw in a show...I don't really think anyone is crazy, but it's easy to be mad (especially when there's something to be mad about) but...it just resonated with me in a way. Because I want to make peace with the negative and enjoy the love that filled my heart. It's hard when everything hurts so so bad. It's easy to want to find a scape goat. I can be mad, and have a range of complex emotions (which I do, i'm a multitudenous being). But I don't want the love to be lost in the raging storm of all those feelings. Just something that struck me.
If I had forever I would take my time doing any little thing that passed my mind. It looks like I already have forver.
If it wasn't an accident-do it again-i'll be there, even if i'm not at first, I will be.
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I really feel like i'm cursed. I FEEL LIKE IM CURSED. I feel like i'm cursed and it never will end. I don't even know what to say but I need to say something or i'll drown. I claw my way up to heights i've never seen. But even looking at the most beautiful sunset from the highest peaks I still feel cursed. One day I know it will lift but god it doesn't feel that way now. I will keep going because I want to and that's what I do. But god I just want to explode. I want to explode and do all the wrong things and drag everyone with me. But I won't. It's not who I am. Simply a loud part of my soul. And that part is probably the most deeply afflicted by the curse. Sigh, even if it's gonna be here I need to expel it every chance I get...i've missed it here.
Maybe I can climb.
Well I understand. I don't like it but I understand. Don't like it one bit not at all at all at all and never will. But I understand. I don't have to learn to like it but I do have to learn how to live.
Pain.
Building.
Unceasing.
Unrelenting.
Plauge.
Inspiring Love.
Momento Mori.
Romance.
Understanding.
Redoubling.
Curse.
Climb.
Try.
Effort.
Sun-still rain-but sun.
It's been awhile, I'm building the tunnel back, and in doung so inviting one even further ahead.
I'm not there, I don't even know where 'there' is.
But my legs are moving.
If you're curious, my arms still hold my attempts to reengage with a flame long gone.
Everything still exists.
It does not describe linearity.
They are ingredients.
With every new one mixing into whoever I have became, become, and will be.
Today it's Sun.
Let's see what's next.
I'm unfortunately seeking a molten bangle.
It all remains to be seen.
I wish I didn't. But...now i'm stuck in a cloud. Lights on, nobody home. What do I do? What do I say? How do I process this? It's just, questions questions questions-feelings feelings feelings-thoughts thoughts thoughts. I don't even know what to say here. I was hoping i'd say something profound and inspiring to lift myself up. But I don't have that in me today, I don't have anything in me today. All I have is * **** **** ****. So...that's not helpful. Ugh. All I can think about is a molten bangle. But hey, I do think this is the worst of it. This is the day where I need to do something else. Anything else. Thank god for the support of a faraway friend. Ugh what am I even saying? I'm just talking in circles. Not like that's an objective issue, but subjectively i'm frustrated that I can't even have a heavily linear thought. Slamming my forehead into my keyboard. But i'm still typing. I could stop if I felt like it but...here I am. I guess I got a machete and i'm wacking my way through a dense thicket. I don't know where i'm going, but i'm trying to go. I wanna say "swiping is enough", "just moving is enough", "I will perservere". All those things are probably true but god if i'm not tired of saying that. Sigh. Listen, i'm very sad today, I know that's true, so i'll stick with that.
You don't know half of what's happened since that time. How insane. First this, then that, then another thing, and something else on top of that! Basically it's just been a lot. One day your hearts beating the fastest it has since December. The next you're sobbing on a bench. The next you're shaking from sadness, then anger, then sadness, then you're just tired, you're everything, you don't know what you are. The next you find out much of your life is placed in extended animation. The next you're living in a house party on tv. The next you're laughing with love. The next you're...you're here. You're here. What does that even mean? What do I even feel? Murky waters that never settle. It's been nice, it's been a lot, it's been important, it's been depression, it's been manic, it's been stressful, it's been loving, it's been new, it's been refreshing, it's been beautiful, it's been a breath of fresh air, it's been the crazy, it's been terrible, it's been, it's been, it's been. All those things stacked on top of one another and squished down into a mangled and tangled mess of ink floating off the page. I'm staring at murky water, I don't know what's happening, there are a lot of moving particales, we'll see if anything gives way.
Well the movie was pretty good but i'd tweak a few major things. Still good. Been keepin busy, gettin out a lot, handling a lot I usually don't have time for. Maybe the containment chamber of pain and sadness aint so bad eh? Do you really think you can attain love greater still? I'm not totally sure but I have to believe that to be the case. I know there are things I want and that I am capable of getting if i'm capable of handling what that means. And i'm not. Yet. But-I will be. Cause I know I will be. It feels nice to be productive, it doesn't always feel bad to be me either. Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggggghhhhhhhh. Well I don't know. Today was a good day and so was yesterday and so was yesterday still. Things are happening. Things feel different. For better or worse? Probably both. Probably just different. I'm interested tho. To see where it g035. 70 533 \/\/|-|3r3 1 g0....|_0|_ 175 833|\| 50 70|\|g 51|\|c3 1\/3 d0|\|3 7|-|15 /\/\4y83 1|_|_ ju57 741k |_1k3 7|-|15 fr0/\/\ |\|0\/\/ 0|\|......jk that is so hard...well....we'll see
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Heyyyy. Maybe this is all cause I feel guilty over my actions and I want to project to distance myself from that. Well no that's not entirely the case. But I do feel guilty, I don't think i'm doing too much in the other direction but....in many ways guilt consumes me. I feel bad about everything over there, and that I didn't have a chance to be everything I knew I could be. I feel bad internally, like I messed everything up. Maybe I want to be missed to be absolved of guilt? As if it would take away the idea that I did everything wrong (or feel like I did). Well and also because I be missing so, ofc I want that, ha. But no, I know I could have done better and I would have if time did not flow freely forth. I just need to let myself relinquish my own sin, or rather allow myself to see that such things are NOT sin. Hard to do when religion branded me with the mark of the beast at a young age...that doesn't make entire sense but it's fine. Anyway. Excited to get my arm lopped off. And wow my december posts were so sad I feel bad for her. I still hold a lot of that within me but........much of it has changed too, in tiredness, clawing, and...well I don't know if I could say intensity. But I could see the bags under my eyes and the hands clawing at my chest in hopes of baring my heart to the world so people really understood me. Not so much anymore. Whether it's because I simply don't have somewhere for that to go, or because I actually am getting better.....that remains to be seen. I'm still in a weird place cause I still want that phone call, so that's funny. Yikes okay I started getting lost in that thought/evil. Besides all this I am still in suspended animation can you believe that? Maybe this is good for me, even though i'm frustrated, but maybe it's good...it is in ways...but i'm annoyed about shaking off all the water and warming myself back up after cryosleep is completed. I say one step at a time a lot. And I find it comforting but also sad....I wonder if I could find something new. That just feels so...repressive and infinite and sad...I'd want something more uplifting, hopeful, and...I don't have another adjective I apologize rules of thirds I have failed you. Maybeeeeeeee (I have no ideas) I figured out yesterday, I'll figure out today, and I'll figure out tomorrow too...eh....I don't know.
Well...I guess i'll watch movies. Awake surgeries are crazy. I'll go for classics. Right now i'm watching Jurrasic Park. Sometimes it's nice not to vague post about sad things, tho I will always be a sad posting vague thing at heart and will undoubtably return to that. Anyway at my core there are a couple things I need to be doing and two things I want to be doing so I return with a vigor looking cooler than ever...don't know if I have the money for allat tho...! But yeah, overall...i'm...feeling slightly depressed (maybe) slightly appreciative (maybe) slightly motivated (maybe) slightly confused (maybe) slightly unsure (maybe) slightly beautiful (probably) slightly bored (maybe) slightly on-edge, like i'm forgetting something important (maybe) I guess I don't feel entirely like me (seemingly). I suppose when a large part of who you are is taken away it unfortunatly takes a way a bit of...you. But my being shouldn't even be tied to that. How do I give myself purpose? How do I feel helpful to my community? How do I exercise my problem solving skills and quick thinking? How do I feel part of a loving community? How do I feel as if i'm advancing my brain? How do I feel like i'm growing? How do I feel like me? Go and find it, engage with them, play a hard game, see your friends, read your books, journal, go to therapy, make art (this to is art), engage with the parts of you you're scared of. You already are (absolutely).
I hate having to do that. A utilitarian move I suppose. It's the sounds that get me. Nails on the chalkboard that is my heart. Frustration, sadness, stress, tears. It's insane how many bombs one can survive before a stray cut takes them out. An achilles heel? Thos I've always been like this. Taking massive massive massive damage to myself but the second it is either small damage or damage involving something besides me suddenly i'm bracing my self against the bathroom door as to not sink lower into the floorboards. Nasty nasty nasrt stuff. And then, the quicksand. Quicksand is not actually quick, you simply get stuck and the more you fight the deeper you sink, usually to about waist level. But that's all it takes for you to starve, dehydrate, or go insane, especially since quicksand usually exists in rural and isolated areas. The most important thing is to not panic, and try to use something to lean on so you can get flat and shimmy your way out. A log, a hiking stick, a backpack, something to act as a life raft in a sea of earth. I'm in quicksand, i've been in quicksand, this moment, albeit small in comparison to everything-made me yank my feet upward. Desperatly, longingly, painfully, hopefully. Pushing pushing pushing pushing against an inevitable circumstance. But where's that get me? I've been pulled deeper into the sand. How do I get out? Hell, how do I get up? Just an bit, a foot, an inch, a centimeter, a millimeter, one quark of difference (one of the smallest building blocks of life) would be enough for me to take a breath. A breath that pulls in every cold breeze on a hot day, every flowers scent in the air, every birds chirp carried by the wind, every hearty laugh erupting from the depths of a full belly, everything I love and everything that loves me. And breath out what? Pain? Frustration? Malaise? Restlessness? That doesn't capture it...I need to breath out the thick molasses that has filled every corner of my body, slowly and painfully covering the very nerve endings that allow me to feel. A molasses so sweet it makes me sick, I would vomit but it fills my esophogaus as well, a violent push would only create a dull thump against an impenetrable barrier of suffocation. Quicksand. But moving slowly, taking my time, finding a lifeling, I can pull in all I need, and take my time pushing out a breath so deep it allows me to slip away from the slow grip pulling me deeper. Quicksand. It's scary how simple it is. It's scary how it kills you. It's scary how the means of escape are so simple but so impossible to imploy due to the panic of knowing you COULD be trapped. Is the fear of being trapped greater than the fear of being trapped itself? I think so, cause when you're being trapped that means you're fighting fighting fighting and slowly realizing how fruitless it all is. Then you're trapped, empty, tired, no strength to even attempt rising above your circumstance. But what if you took a breathe? Let's try it.
