Blog

HAHAHA HELL YEAH.

It will not stop believing in itself even when it doesn't

I actually have my own website now, that's very cool. IDK what im gonna use this for. Feeling very 2005 rn. I'll probably mainly focus on personalizing it for myself now...should I share this to others???? Or will it be an online journal??? Idk idk idk...but I guess I dont have to know right now

Talking to myself...that's a good start

I like what this is becoming. Takes a lot of hard work to make a website....I guess i'm learning coding now. I'd love to add a music player but maybe that would give me away. I don't even know why i'm so worried about that. Because you're posting your thoughts where literally anybody could find them duh. Mm. That's a fair point. Well i'm also worried it'll hurt peoples feelings if they see i'm talking about them online. Well as long as you leave out any and all identitfying information and purely speak about your own feelings it should be fine. Mm. That's also a fair point. Well I guess I do just want to say how I feel anyway. So how do you feel? Mm. I do not know. Well that's a lie I just thought that'd sound cool cause I said that before. Well okay then how do you feel? Mmmmmmm........I do feel good because i'm finding new stuff to do and I have time to do stuff I couldn't before. And I feel terribly lonley as evidenced by me talking to myself on the internet. Friends are great, it's the loneliness ofa space you're so used to being filled. Like when mantis shrimp punch and it leaves a pocket of air due to the speed of the punch and then all the water pulls back into that spot so fast it causes an explosion. Is that true? I mean it's true in my head. Point is I am taking the heat from that explosion like when spiderman got his face blown open by the green goblin in spider man...one of them idk. So I'm like glad that i'm doing stuff with my time. And i'm lonely, sad, and discarded. I am the fish that was punched by the mantis shrimp, and then the mantis shrimp didn't even eat me! That metaphor is falling apart but you get it right? Sigh i'm talking to an empty void. I think that sums up how I feel.

Talking like I was killed by the mafia

Ugh. I just sneezed like 17 times in a row. And all I can think about is if you're sneezing too. No that's not true. Just if you're thinking about me I guess. If you miss me. I just want you to feel how I feel...but why? To validate that you cared? To not feel discarded? So I feel less hurt? I guess that would do that for me. But-ah...haha. I am reminded by reality that time will continue to march on no matter how long I continue to pine after realities that do not exist. Whatever. So tied up that I can't stare down at my own two feet. Getting thrown into the water wondering why and if something can change instead of cutting myself free and swimming. If someone admitted they wish they didn't throw me in the water, or that they're also drowning, or anything like that...I don't think that would change anything...UGH. All this because I sneezed 17 times in front of my bathroom sink! West coast behavior.

To you, in 20XX

I'm healing. Physically at least. Days and days and days of rediscovering who I am on my own. And here I am still typing like their are eyes on me. I guess there very well could be though right? Right. Sigh. One day this site will become a relic that I look back on and show to whomever I choose to give my heart to at the time. I have the inclination to talk to that person. Leave messages of love from the year 2026. That's what i'd usually do. But let's do a message to me. Are you happy my love? I know that's a complex question but what did your body say? Your stomach? Does your mind wander to the elements that held and thrashed you? I think that's natural. Does it all still hurt as bad as it does now? Are your lungs still filled with water? Are your arms still charred and smoking? Please tell me. You're the me that I believe believes in me. Even if you still call to the you who exists ahead of yourself you are still a beacon of hope to the me of today? Why? Because you made it. I don't want to die. I don't. I think about it sometimes. Cause I wouldn't have to feel anything or deal with anything complicated. But I don't actually want to. Still. The concept of making it through this year. Through these next couple years at least. That hurts me. Or maybe scares me. I am dreading and overthinking when the cold begins to flirt with the overwhelming heat. I am dreading and overthinking when the sun and the moon discontinue their supposudly eternal dance. I am dreading and overthinking where the rage and hurt and anguish and pain and pain and pain within me will go. I am dreading and overthinking the person that those feelings could make me become if taken in certain directions. I can't even say wrong directions. Just certain ones. Maybe i'll be okay with that in the future. But right now? I don't WANT to be mad. I don't WANT to be bitter. I don't WANT to end up hating you...or you...or anyone. But I feel that anger and pain and rage and hurt hurt hurt so much hurt boiling me from the inside out and i'm scared it'll consume me. What if I don't care anymore? I wonder if you'll care after reading this. Maybe you'll be able to say you're so right for that. I don't even know if you're wrong. But I know that i'm scared. Of all the ways I can go. I wish I knew. But that knowledge lies with me not with you. When they built the tunnel between france and spain....no no the UK and France I think? They started on either side until they met in the middle. With an incredibly small margin of error once they actually met...maybe that's us. I build from here and you build from there. If I look forward but never forget to look back then we can all build a tunnel that leads to wherver we want. I may not know exactly where your part of the tunnel ends but I know where i'm going and I trust that you'll be there to grab my baton. So...hm. I'm sad, i'm scared genuinely, i'm unsure, and i'm happy. I'm going to keep building. i'm going to keep looking forward, here's the baton.

Don't kill the flowers

Grief is just love that has nowhere to go. And I feel it bouncing around my rib cage like a loosed pinball. Where do I put it? Into being mad? Into something "good"? A shrine? Art? Friends? Me? Me. Me. Yeah that's the answer. I mean they're all answers. I just need to give it somewhere to go. All it will do is burn me up inside anyway. So I listen to your plea greif. I remove your mask and see you for the love that you are. And I reach a hand down to lift you up and walk with you. Let's go see things we've never seen, do things we've never done. Let's see things we've always seen, do things we've always done. Let's go. Somewhere away from here, and somewhere that is here. We don't need to tear down the flowers that grew here. But our roots don't only have to be here either. Yeah some of those flowers had thorns, you don't want to touch them again. You can remember that they hurt you and that you enjoyed being there for a time without destroying every flower. Let's see other flowers, let's see these flowers, for what they actually are. Pretty, kind, and thorny. Flowers don't want to hurt people, but sometimes they do. Grief is just love that has nowhere to go.

Unceasing

I think my biggest issue (atm) is that my thoughts feel like a plauge. How do you mean? I want to stop having them over and over and over and over. It feels pathetic not to think of anything else. Pathetic? Pathetic! Like get a life holy shit. You lost something. Everyone loses things! True but you, you lost something. And that matters right? Is it wrong to have that constantly be on your mind? I mean it's not wrong but it hurts, its digging a thumb into a wound, infecting it with dirt and muddy emotion. And you think you can just...stop? Honestely, no. It keeps coming back, I have moments that can help, but it's gonna be on my mind. I just can't have it be so loud sometimes. Okay it feels like we're reaching a middle ground here. I think it is not possible to delete your brains desire to think about this. It is impossible to delete your brains desire to think about anything. Not wanting to think is the same thing as running from something. You want to feel safe enough to ignore the things that scare you, that bother you, that make you uncomfortable. That is what was happening before is it not? You will have these thoughts. Even if you would like to not have them you will have them. That is no sin. It is not indicitive of you as a person, besides showing that you care about yourself. Which is a boon, not a bane. Do not push against it. Move with it. If it is overwhelming do not throw it off. Follow the flow and find a way out to take a break. It will happen, so find out how to move with it. Lest you constantly injure yourself fighting a tide that for now is unceasing. I...I don't know if I like you. You should learn how to, for I am forever unceasing.

Miasma

I had a dream last night. I had a dream where I lived in the nightmarish miasma my brain douses me in. It was...nightmarish! I don't even know what to say. Besides that you're so constantly on my mind it makes me feel insane. I wish I could just turn this off. Or at least make it consistent. I hate this so much. I wish it wasn't happening. Some days are easier than others. Days are often easier than nights. But it really is unceasing. It's hard to befriend a thought that hurts. It's hard to watch a ship go by when it's bombarding you're shoreline. Tonights one of those nights where all I have is the pain. Nothing constructive and nothing poetic to be gleaned (maybe). I can just hurt sometimes right? I just hurt tonight.

DSGNSDLK GS JKNGONFO

I dont know. I just have not been here. So i'm here. Thoughts still feel infinite. I am excited about things sometimes. I miss things a lot. I'm melting into a thing I think. I may recongeal into something. And that will be something. I'm something in this moment. I just have been feeling so something and nothing and everywhere. I just have been having a mind obsessed with keeping me trapped trapped trapped. UGH WHATEVER IM SO foenfnsdfkjasfjwefkjaenkfklasnfanejnwufniaergoajeriomaeroneurgnoiglkjergoimeoifnaoernv;vmelkmknvmdfomalnfoiweoifjaoimflkawefnoiWNFJAIKAMFKLNWOIJIAAJFPOMAWE;OFNKOAERNIO4JWEKFLAEMOINERIOGHNWOOINOIERIOMIONOIEJIGOIJORNGGKLERNGLERNUFOIEIERNFOKENFOEJOEGOIEMOEJGOEMOIERMGOIERJOIGOIEMGOIRNGKRNLMLK;DMGLKMGLERNGINEOTUIRTOIMHPORJHIOJTOJRTNHLKNGKLTHGOIEROGFIOGRJLLDLGJIOGJSRMHKOTNGOINOIFNBOFNGREIOGNESROIGMELKMHLKSRNGDFNIGOERJEPOIKERKPGKSROPGJOP[EG;OINOIENOIRJHOPROIMSFLKGNSRLKGNOIRNGOIRGHGKRKLGGNRTHNROKMHLKSRTPORTJJT9RJGORMGLKSRJLKSRJH9PSTJOERJMOIRMGLSMPOSRPOGJKSEOPMJPIJRTPHNSTOKLGNOJ;NI;SLEKJ YEah that was nice

Inspiration

Feeling inspired. Having a crush on someone is such great motivation. Imagine the pure motivation of knowing there's someone to impress, someone to give your everything for. Someone that makes you think "yeah I need to give my all, so I can become the type of person suited to be with this person. I need to make them proud, I need to show them who I really am, I need to be determined to achieve my goals, I can't give up, because my heart bursts POWERFULLY due to desire for another! I must, I can, I WILL, for YOU!" Yeah something like that is nice...anyway I don't actually have a crush. But I saw it. I saw the vigor and spirit it instilled. And then I saw that they very clearly still held that motivation whether their crush was involved or not........huh. I don't think I'm the same. When I have a crush I will put all my determination, all my energy, all I am into showing them that I care about them and that I will do anything if they are involved, like eat a good breakfast for myself, do my laundry, anything, as long as the one who has my heart says it would bring them joy, because I would do anything for them. But would I do anything for me? Quick answer: no. But that's why I felt inspired. Cause I want to be. Cause I just understood what it means when people say to "fall in love with yourself". If I fall in love with myself then i'll be able to feel that powerful sense of motivation that dwells inside me when I tell MYSELF I wanna do something??? That seems so BROKEN! I wish I actually knew how to do that then...I mean i'm honestly sure I can make a 57 step plan to get there ("1. ...i was gonna write made up silly rules and couldn't think of one so I guess I just fucking lied") but I won't waste my time with that. At least not yet. It's enough for now to know that if I can learn to fall in love with me, or maybe more accurately, have a crush on me, then I will be able to tap into the fiery passionate motivation to hold fast to the goals I set for myself and chase them to the ends of the Earth. That would be awesome...wow. "I need to do X thing for her (me) and I know I can do it because if it's for her (me) I can do ANYTHING and I WILL NOT FAIL" WOW...if I can really lean into that then I would be unstoppable...maybe if I learn what i'm like and woo myself then I can really do it. Haha this is exciting...hmhmhmhmhmmmmhmhmhmhmhmHM!

If I had cupids arrow I would shoot myself and stare in the mirror

Sigh. A big breath on a silent day. I can't see my breath but I can if I close my eyes. It's quieter than I ever remember it being. Which means it's louder too. But if I stop fighting fire with fire then I can really hear the silence. It's nice. It's homey. It's...historic? Or maybe comforting is a better word. Leaning into the comforts of the past has proven to be a beautiful cushion in times like these. I feel like i'm trying. And honestly that's all I care about. I'm putting in effort and i'm seeing the beginnings of a result. And surprisingly it makes me want to keep trying. I feel like usually one result would leave me feeling successful and i'd take it as a chance to stop trying. But my girlfriend...she likes the snow, she likes the quiet, she likes that i'm trying, and if it's making her happy than I won't stop no matter what. We can take it all the way to the top.

Wild Energy

Emergy cannot be created or destroyed. If it cannot go back to the source than it must go somewhere. The undeniable and painful urge to return to sender, but the wherewithall to know that it should not be handled that way...where do I want it to go? I need to find the place(s) to set my energy free

I've lived through this before

I need to live. I've lived through all of it before. I have to live. And I lived. They lived. We lived. And we were happy. And it all died. But it did live. Isn't that enough? I'll never not grieve, but at some point i'll be able to smile at a bittersweet memory. Even if everything changed, even if everything can still change, I would need to keep on living. For me. For the bonds i've formed. I don't need to wish for another reality when i'm already living in this one, and would be living in that one, and could be living in another. Because what's the difference? I'm living either way. So I will just live. Even when I want to die. I will live.

What's lost in the storm

"If you spend your time thinking you're the rational one and they're crazy and made the wrong choice...the time you spent loving that person doesn't seem as painful to lose." just something I saw in a show...I don't really think anyone is crazy, but it's easy to be mad (especially when there's something to be mad about) but...it just resonated with me in a way. Because I want to make peace with the negative and enjoy the love that filled my heart. It's hard when everything hurts so so bad. It's easy to want to find a scape goat. I can be mad, and have a range of complex emotions (which I do, i'm a multitudenous being). But I don't want the love to be lost in the raging storm of all those feelings. Just something that struck me.

Take your time.

If I had forever I would take my time doing any little thing that passed my mind. It looks like I already have forver.

M***** *a**.

If it wasn't an accident-do it again-i'll be there, even if i'm not at first, I will be.

Cursed

I really feel like i'm cursed. I FEEL LIKE IM CURSED. I feel like i'm cursed and it never will end. I don't even know what to say but I need to say something or i'll drown. I claw my way up to heights i've never seen. But even looking at the most beautiful sunset from the highest peaks I still feel cursed. One day I know it will lift but god it doesn't feel that way now. I will keep going because I want to and that's what I do. But god I just want to explode. I want to explode and do all the wrong things and drag everyone with me. But I won't. It's not who I am. Simply a loud part of my soul. And that part is probably the most deeply afflicted by the curse. Sigh, even if it's gonna be here I need to expel it every chance I get...i've missed it here.